Written by God knows who, all I know if Mani Rathnam of Roja fame directed it. Starring Vikram as Dev, jr Bachchan as Beera and Mrs. jr as Ragini, Govinda as Sanjeevani
Adapted from the Ramayan, it has Super of Police, Mr. Dev along with Barbie doll wife Ragini coming down to a Godforsaken village called laal Maatti which has been terrorized by Beera aka Raavan. If anyone can kill Beera it is SP Dev. We commence with Beera kidnapping Ragini so that the movie may jump to a start and Dev has something to do other than polish his Ray Ban shades and tweak his moustache.
Scene1:
[Ragini in a row boat enjoying the nature, sees Beera's boat approaching her a tad too late]
Ragini - Row Row Row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a ..............................Scream
Beera - I am now going to abduct you ...Scrrreaaammmm
[The two boats collide :
CRASH BOOM BANG...Font Size 36 SPLOSHHHHHH
[Ragini all tied up and gagged in Beera's boat sends up a silent prayer] -"Thanks L'Oreal for waterproof makeup"
Scene2:
[In camp commando]
tring tring. Hello Hello, Sir! Sir! your Mrs has been kidnapped by Beera.
SP Dev - How irritating. Now I suppose I have to show appropriate emotions on my face.Life is tough.
100 men to catch Beera -check, 1 flimsy map of region-check, ammunition-check, my Ray Ban glares-check check check.
Ok am ready, let's go in the general direction of nowhere.
[SP Dev and his men are at the start of the jungle only to discover that there is a gate with No Trespassers sign on it and a human trying to pass of as a monkey guarding it.]
Dev's men : Open the gate in the name of the law. (Like if you didn't open that flimsy barrier, we couldn't get thru, huh)
Sanjeevani (the human who embarrasses monkeys):If you are SP saab and you have a wife who has been kidnapped by Beera and if you let me drink and drive, I will be your guide-FOKATT!!
Dev: Cool hop in! BTW how is it that every Tom Dick and Harry in these parts , except me, knew that my wife had been kidnapped by Beera?
Sanjeevani : Well the husband is always the last to know SP saab!
Scene3:
[Meanwhile, well positioned on a rock overlooking a waterfall Beera and Ragini are trying to get their expressions right]
Beera : Hands up!
Ragini: Queasy kiya re, oh Queasy, Queasy kiya re..
Beera - Whaaaaaaaaaaatt!!! Kya mei (Finally, OMG!!!!) baap banne wala hoon?
Ragini - No stupid, am just getting so repulsed by ur pock marked, beardy face, i'd rather jump in these falls than get shot by someone as ugly as you.
1,2,3 jump....aaaaaaaaaa
[Beera scrambling down....spots Madam hanging from a tree..plop into the water...]
Beera - This one's to silence the critics-It's true my wife can't act to save her life, at least she can jump to save her life!
[Ragini opens eyes] - Cheesy but true!
[And now they have to climb up exactly the way the came down in spite of there being hundred other ways to ascend.]
Ragini- You know I've had to scramble up and down this awful waterfall multiple times for the Kannada, Tamil, English and Hindi versions of the movie.
Beera - How DUMB! didn't Mani saar realise that you can't anyways be heard above the noise of the waterfall. (Point to be noted for next movie saar)
Scene 4
[Back in Tribal Village: ]
Mangal -Hey Brother (though not from the same mother), weren't you supposed to shoot her?
Beera - Oh ya tx for the reminder.
Slap, Slap, Slap (make up being slapped on by Beera and his men)
Ragini-Say, why are you guys smearing that gooey white stuff on ur faces?
Beera-We always apply make up before shooting our victims
Mangal-Here, try some madam ji!
Ragini-Thanks but no thanks! FYI am already wearing 4 layers of L'Oreal pancake for my no-make look in this movie.
Am also wearing smudge proof, rain proof, sweat n sun proof eyeliner & mascara not to forget 14 hour (!!!) long lasting
lipstick - all by L'oreal. Beneath the pancake I have on Ultra Whitening make up base so that no matter how much you make me trek thru the sun
i'll look as fresh and white as a lily, what's more so can you, (even tho' you're not worth it)!
Beera [pressing palms to ears] -yakety yak Yakety yak Chakakaakaka Growl scream snarl !
Ragini (looking impressed): Where did you pick all this up from? It's so Low Society.
Beera- From Avatar
Ragini: Oh well in that case it's hip and cool and am gonna copy you right there!
Screem Screeeeeeeeeeem
GoD,can she scream! Someone catch her and shoot fast
123...Tu CHEEEZ badi hai mast mast- CLICK.
Scene 5 :
[By some miracle the above shot picture lands in the newspaper and in the hands of SP saab who is sitting in some godforesaken part of the forest]
Dev-I am the only SP in the whole world who can read the newspaper front side back.
I also have this quirky habit from childhood of boring holes in paper with burning cigarette tips
But now boys we need need to onward press. Hemant, you stay here, be off guard so that you may be captured and tortured.
Scene 6:
[Hemant is duly captured and tortured by Beera and his men, brought to their hideout and that's where Ragini finds him]
Ragini- ooooooooohhh I know him, he's Hemant! He's innocent. Let him go..and me too (wink;)
Beera- Nooooooo..you don't know..many monsoons ago yadayadayada....it was my sister (tho not from the same mother)'s wedding
Flasback...Allow me to sing the song and dance the dance from the wedding so that you may visualise more clearly.
[Many hours later....]
Ragini- Great! For all those growls and snarls you sure are a neat narrator!
Beera - That's not all! Your Godly hubby tried to shoot me during my sister's wedding and this Hemant here with his cop buddies gang raped her
Now go figure if I am Ravan or Robin Hood!
Ragini- WOW, I mean this is SOOOO UN-EPICAL. But more importantly, for this scene, how the HELL am I supposed to (re)act? Mani saar help!
Mani Rathnam: See, Ragineee, Just imagine that you have been constipated for 14 days and tons of Isabgol later you finally need to answer nature's call
but there is no bathroom nearby.
Ragini: Brilliant ! Only Mani saar can explain a scene this way. No wonder you are India's topmost director. I worship you.
Scene 7:
[Many days later (to be concrete 13 but who knows, who cares by now the viewer's condition
has been reduced to that of Prem in Andaz Apna Apna in you know which scene) Ragini is sunning herself when an ape like figure pops up beside her]
Sanjeevani: Pranaam bhabi jee.
Ragini: Sorry wrong number.
Sanjeevani: No No I have been sent by your husband Dev.
Ragini: How can I trust you? Do you have any "nishaani" of my husband?
Sanjeevani : [Blushing] Kya aap bhi bhabijee...oh that way..Oh ya..he has in fact sent his precious pair of Ray Ban shades!
Ragini: [Cuddling the RayBan shades] Why didn't he come himself?
Sanjeevani: As you know bhabijee, he never travels without his Ray Ban so it was a catch 22 situation.
[At that precise moment, they are caught and brought in front of Beera]
Beera: hmmm, can someone convince me that he will go as a messenger of peace with this cartoon character to SP Dev?
Else I will have to force ppl to volunteer.
Hariya: I will go to meet the SP, am not a child any more. I just stopped bed wetting last night.
Beera: No don't go~~
Hariya: No let me go~~~
Beera: Nooooooo don't go~~
Hariya: Nooooooo Let me gooo~~
Beera: OK GO!
Scene 8:
[In Camp Commando, Sanjeevani is back with Hariya ]:
Dev: Aree O Sanjeevani, kitne aadmi the?
Sanjeevani: Arree mei Virar ka chokra, mereko ek tak hi ginti aati hai, toh ek ko leke aya hoon. Hariya.
Dev: Come out Hariya. My revolver is not loaded, see?
Hariya: I saw and am coming out...uh oh stop shooting me you fool
[Bang Bang...Hariya is dead. By the same miracle that put the photo in the newspaper and the newspaper on SP Dev's desk,
Hariya's bullet ridden body is found by Beera and his men and so war is declared ]
Scene9:
[Atop a wood cum rope bridge which symbolises the Rama Setu, Beera and SP Dev are fighting: Dishkyaon Shishkyaon]
Beera: Hah, try and kill me, I have 10 heads in this movie and you appear to have none, else WHY THE %#$^&* would you have killed Hariya whilst your wife was in my captivity?
Dev: Don't try and distract me by quizzing me on this God Forsaken bridge which is going to collapse any moment.
Anyways I repeatedly flunked logic in college which is why I became a policeman!
[Crackkkkkkkkk...the bridge gives way, to cut a yaaaaawng story short, Beera appears and then disappears then Dev appears and he and Ragini are re-united
Scene 10: [A train with Dev and Ragini, going awway from Lal Maatti]
Dev: Why are you wearing white? Is it the guilt from the jilt?
Ragini: Ok now you're gonna ask me if he touched me, right? yes, YES ! He has touched me, here [pointing to heart]
Dev: Relax, this is not Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam. Woman, you really need to act FAST and HOW. Now if you DON"T stop sulking and quickly deny that there
was something between the two of you, I will PERSONALLY pull the chain, push you outta that train and make you lead me upto Beera,
SO THAT I CAN SHOOT HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL AND END THIS PATHETIC MOVIE AND THEN I DON'T CARE IF YOU JUMP AFTER HIM IN THE HOGENAKKAL FALLS OR THE NIGARA FALLS............
Over and Out.
-An exhausted Manorama Ukidve
Sunday, July 25, 2010
THE LIMERICKY REVOLTING REVELATION OF THE ORIGIN OF SCRAMBLED EGG:
THE LIMERICKY REVOLTING REVELATION OF THE ORIGIN OF SCRAMBLED EGG:
Humpty Dumpty, a very plump lil fella,
looked outa the window an' snatched his umbrella.
He waxed his moustache and straightened his bow tie,
And stuffed his pockets with leftover blackbird pie.
He kicked open his door and drew a deep breath
Was it too much pie or HAD HE JUST SMELT DEATH?
Not one to be deterred, he popped a pink pill,
And carefully proceeded to baby-step down the hill.
On reaching the town, oh what a procession,
Apparently royalty is never affected by recession.
For the Queen was out, in all her glory
If I start to describe it, that'll be another story.
Being bored to death in her fly-infested den,
She was leading the kings horses and also the king's men ;)
Royal eyes darting here and there like a talent scout,
They finally rested on a figure obscenely stout.
Sitting on a wall with an air so reflective;
He could've been mistaken for a certain Belgian detective.
Now the Queen was out on a not-so-secret mission,
She was hell bent on breaking the royal tradition.
For how long could a woman stuff herself with honey and bread?
And the occasional entertaintment being - Off with his head!
Plus the king, thanks to pie, was spilling out of his clothes
And the maid never failed to complain of her swollen nose.
So it was up to her, to spice up life and larder,
Blessed with a royal IQ she would have to try harder.
But here on the wall, was her muse.
No time to lose,must rustle up a ruse.
There- perfect! he'staking a snooze.
Having crept up from behind,armed with just a plume,
She tickled him and laughed wickedly - as he fell to his doom,
Womb to tomb.
That he'd smash on the road is a bit too predictable,
Lets say instead he ended up at the dinner table.
As he scrambled to his fall (as only an egg can),
Someone expertly stuck out a frying pan.
Complete with pepper, salt and hot oil,
Cooked to a fluff, then wrapped in silver foil.
***************
The court held it's breath as the king took a nibble,
And people tried to regulate their drool to a steady dribble.
Then as his face broke out in a beam of delight,
Thousands scrambled in, all eager for a bite.
What happened thereafter is anyone's guess
The court was in disaray, the king was a mess.
But let's not forget Humpty and his contribution to gastronomy,
Scrambling was in his nature - what failed him was ergonomy.
-Manorama Ukidve
( Lunch break 25th Feb 2010- the author has since, given up eating eggs - scrambled or otherwise).
Humpty Dumpty, a very plump lil fella,
looked outa the window an' snatched his umbrella.
He waxed his moustache and straightened his bow tie,
And stuffed his pockets with leftover blackbird pie.
He kicked open his door and drew a deep breath
Was it too much pie or HAD HE JUST SMELT DEATH?
Not one to be deterred, he popped a pink pill,
And carefully proceeded to baby-step down the hill.
On reaching the town, oh what a procession,
Apparently royalty is never affected by recession.
For the Queen was out, in all her glory
If I start to describe it, that'll be another story.
Being bored to death in her fly-infested den,
She was leading the kings horses and also the king's men ;)
Royal eyes darting here and there like a talent scout,
They finally rested on a figure obscenely stout.
Sitting on a wall with an air so reflective;
He could've been mistaken for a certain Belgian detective.
Now the Queen was out on a not-so-secret mission,
She was hell bent on breaking the royal tradition.
For how long could a woman stuff herself with honey and bread?
And the occasional entertaintment being - Off with his head!
Plus the king, thanks to pie, was spilling out of his clothes
And the maid never failed to complain of her swollen nose.
So it was up to her, to spice up life and larder,
Blessed with a royal IQ she would have to try harder.
But here on the wall, was her muse.
No time to lose,must rustle up a ruse.
There- perfect! he'staking a snooze.
Having crept up from behind,armed with just a plume,
She tickled him and laughed wickedly - as he fell to his doom,
Womb to tomb.
That he'd smash on the road is a bit too predictable,
Lets say instead he ended up at the dinner table.
As he scrambled to his fall (as only an egg can),
Someone expertly stuck out a frying pan.
Complete with pepper, salt and hot oil,
Cooked to a fluff, then wrapped in silver foil.
***************
The court held it's breath as the king took a nibble,
And people tried to regulate their drool to a steady dribble.
Then as his face broke out in a beam of delight,
Thousands scrambled in, all eager for a bite.
What happened thereafter is anyone's guess
The court was in disaray, the king was a mess.
But let's not forget Humpty and his contribution to gastronomy,
Scrambling was in his nature - what failed him was ergonomy.
-Manorama Ukidve
( Lunch break 25th Feb 2010- the author has since, given up eating eggs - scrambled or otherwise).
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Director's cut - Read on as a director trashes his own movie
An "ahem"...honest write up - in his very own words-Lajjo Hilani, the director of 3 idiots on his very original box office record breaking movie and the characters....
Rub a dub dub 3 idiots in a tub .....
It's not a tub, ..it's actually 3 different barrels, you see
Because errr...whatever else I was inspired by
It wasn't homosexuality
Half the movie's budget went in making the heros' look half their age
But it was worth it and as predicted it's become the rage..
To iron out wrinkles- a roadroller over his face followed by a lawnmover over his head,
Gave Aamir his gurkha look, plus of course the weight he shed.
And though we had him started out as a dhokla-eating- gujju, Aamir kind of changed the script...
And now I have Javed Jafferi hot on my heels...suing me for a cameo so nondescript..
Madhavan begged to be Ramaswamy Iyyer-- but I challanged him to do the Farhan bit,
At least am proud of the fact that he added to the definition of the word "misfit"..!
Mis-fit reminds me that his liposuction bills are due,
Don't want history repeating itself a la Bipasha Basu.
Sharman did not need any acting workshop, to pull of his role..
In fact he was so good, some unit guys almost gave him a tin bowl.
The rest of his family is shown in sepia tones,
Which signifies they are buried to the neck in student loans,
Add to that, giving kareena competition, are his old man's bones,
And that my dear in Bollywood establishes the poverty zones.
To make Kareena appear convincing as a doc, was a task herculean!
how was I to know that, like her size, her IQ too would be boolean :(
It's not Viru Sahasrabuddhe's fault that his character is confused- his script got blurred during dry cleaning
Else he would have definitely given "stiff","upper lip" and "konkasnastha Brahmin" a whole new meaning.
He really is my favorite man and can play any character with ease,
But his make up man is to be blamed if he's come out looking like an ageing Charlie Chaplin suffering from some undescribable disease.
Though how 2 sikhnis were born in the house of Sahasrabuddhe is what struck me in retrospect,
hmmm...too bad I could have shown a virus killing of their infidel mother....with the dean of course as prime suspect..
But that would have been too predictable and am a man who never lacks an original idea,
Unlike some Indian authors who suffer from publicity diarrhea...
My Aamir has answered SRK's show of 6 pack with a show of BOTOX,
If that does not silence SRK and Farah Khan, the rest of my supporting cast is ready with their buttox..
Now what Do i tell you of my passion for the backside- it's too glorious to be hidden,
But thanks to the censor board we had to invest in whole sale VIP coz free show was forbidden..
Woh bole "Andar ki baat ko Andar hi rehne do..
Ek VIP ke saath ek cotton "tauliya" muft lo...
(both came in handy as you know, during the Aal iz WELL song shoot,
Finally I have found a replacement for the Get well Soon bhoot)
My second passion if you haven't guessed it yet; is filming of loos
Front shot,side shot, maybe if i am lucky, some aerial views!
So great was my obsession that i took a panga that could have incurred the Indian Public's ire
(I almost dared to flush down the toilet, ashes from a funeral pyre !!)
See ..am a man who practices Gundagiri and Gandhigiri in equal measure
But sometimes, I also come under great pressure..
Then I scrouge around the internet for some jokes for the masses
And stuff up cotton in my ears least the feeling passes
Of course Abhijit (Joshi) is always there with a bright idea or two
And i believe in err...giving credit where credit is due
It was his input to show Maddy taking shots of the pups in a manner oh so painstaking,
That the public will no doubt put 2 and 2 together and say voila!! that's a WildLife Photographer in the making!!
Anyways, I am geting carried away.. must not forget the smaller shrimps in my zest
Like Millimeter, Centimeter and the man on whose underpants the whole of Unites States seems to rest....
On a very serious note:-
As always my movie has an underlying message for all "Passion when combined with Applied Sciences leads to excellence"
It is , by watching my movie (and not reading from a something something book) you can apply Engineering to your day to day life,
and WAIT THERE"S MORE....by using my magic mantra AAL IZ WELL, you can even perform deliveries of live human babies on ping pong tables.
(Just don't forget to smack that baby's BUTT !!)
JAI HO ! (In the hope of an Oscar ;)
- As told to Manorama Ukidve
Disclaimer : To be taken in the light spilit. No offense to anyone dead or alive reading this.
Rub a dub dub 3 idiots in a tub .....
It's not a tub, ..it's actually 3 different barrels, you see
Because errr...whatever else I was inspired by
It wasn't homosexuality
Half the movie's budget went in making the heros' look half their age
But it was worth it and as predicted it's become the rage..
To iron out wrinkles- a roadroller over his face followed by a lawnmover over his head,
Gave Aamir his gurkha look, plus of course the weight he shed.
And though we had him started out as a dhokla-eating- gujju, Aamir kind of changed the script...
And now I have Javed Jafferi hot on my heels...suing me for a cameo so nondescript..
Madhavan begged to be Ramaswamy Iyyer-- but I challanged him to do the Farhan bit,
At least am proud of the fact that he added to the definition of the word "misfit"..!
Mis-fit reminds me that his liposuction bills are due,
Don't want history repeating itself a la Bipasha Basu.
Sharman did not need any acting workshop, to pull of his role..
In fact he was so good, some unit guys almost gave him a tin bowl.
The rest of his family is shown in sepia tones,
Which signifies they are buried to the neck in student loans,
Add to that, giving kareena competition, are his old man's bones,
And that my dear in Bollywood establishes the poverty zones.
To make Kareena appear convincing as a doc, was a task herculean!
how was I to know that, like her size, her IQ too would be boolean :(
It's not Viru Sahasrabuddhe's fault that his character is confused- his script got blurred during dry cleaning
Else he would have definitely given "stiff","upper lip" and "konkasnastha Brahmin" a whole new meaning.
He really is my favorite man and can play any character with ease,
But his make up man is to be blamed if he's come out looking like an ageing Charlie Chaplin suffering from some undescribable disease.
Though how 2 sikhnis were born in the house of Sahasrabuddhe is what struck me in retrospect,
hmmm...too bad I could have shown a virus killing of their infidel mother....with the dean of course as prime suspect..
But that would have been too predictable and am a man who never lacks an original idea,
Unlike some Indian authors who suffer from publicity diarrhea...
My Aamir has answered SRK's show of 6 pack with a show of BOTOX,
If that does not silence SRK and Farah Khan, the rest of my supporting cast is ready with their buttox..
Now what Do i tell you of my passion for the backside- it's too glorious to be hidden,
But thanks to the censor board we had to invest in whole sale VIP coz free show was forbidden..
Woh bole "Andar ki baat ko Andar hi rehne do..
Ek VIP ke saath ek cotton "tauliya" muft lo...
(both came in handy as you know, during the Aal iz WELL song shoot,
Finally I have found a replacement for the Get well Soon bhoot)
My second passion if you haven't guessed it yet; is filming of loos
Front shot,side shot, maybe if i am lucky, some aerial views!
So great was my obsession that i took a panga that could have incurred the Indian Public's ire
(I almost dared to flush down the toilet, ashes from a funeral pyre !!)
See ..am a man who practices Gundagiri and Gandhigiri in equal measure
But sometimes, I also come under great pressure..
Then I scrouge around the internet for some jokes for the masses
And stuff up cotton in my ears least the feeling passes
Of course Abhijit (Joshi) is always there with a bright idea or two
And i believe in err...giving credit where credit is due
It was his input to show Maddy taking shots of the pups in a manner oh so painstaking,
That the public will no doubt put 2 and 2 together and say voila!! that's a WildLife Photographer in the making!!
Anyways, I am geting carried away.. must not forget the smaller shrimps in my zest
Like Millimeter, Centimeter and the man on whose underpants the whole of Unites States seems to rest....
On a very serious note:-
As always my movie has an underlying message for all "Passion when combined with Applied Sciences leads to excellence"
It is , by watching my movie (and not reading from a something something book) you can apply Engineering to your day to day life,
and WAIT THERE"S MORE....by using my magic mantra AAL IZ WELL, you can even perform deliveries of live human babies on ping pong tables.
(Just don't forget to smack that baby's BUTT !!)
JAI HO ! (In the hope of an Oscar ;)
- As told to Manorama Ukidve
Disclaimer : To be taken in the light spilit. No offense to anyone dead or alive reading this.
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